Sunday, January 15, 2006


Originally uploaded by corporatemonkey.
i am, truly, the worst fwb (friend with *benefits*) to ever enter into such an arrangement. i've tried it, thinking i could work it out, and just allow myself to use and be used for sex with someone i also enjoy the general company of, but alas- i'm just not any good at it. And really, that's an inaccurate description. I didn't want to be used- I wanted to be this cool chick who has sex like a guy, a girl that doesn't weigh you down with emotional attachment and call you every hour of the day to ask what a guy's thinking, cause though i might be curious, i also know how freaking annoying it is. Since clingyness seems to be the ultimate turnoff, I decided that by acting all aloof and "I'm doing this because I want to, not because I want you to like me." Then, naturally, the gentleman I treated with such aloofness would fall madly in love with me, because we both want the same thing, and he would want to be with me all the time- even though it would essentially break the fwb code.

[insert delusional girl thought process here.] stupid girl. not only does that not happen, but he'll continue to use me until i catch on, because that's what i've basically given him license to do. and all the aloofness in the world can only mask the fact that i'm completely heartbroken over the fact that he doesn't want a relationship with me, and likely never will, because that's not what i'm there for.

i suppose it would help if my fwb actually lived in the area, or even came to visit me when he passes by on his way north of where i live. but, as recent events have shown, i am just not a priority to him it seems. not even for the really good sex.

and i'll admit, i got a little attached- a fact with probably only hastened his retreat. but i liked him. i liked his talent, his humor, and his cute face. and ok, yes- his piercings (an ampallang and a labret).

but admitting i had a crush was the first mistake. repetetively reminding him that i had a crush on him only made it worse. reading his blogs & comments he made on other blogs & flickr photos of other girls made it worse x 1,000,000. i never felt so physically desired and yet forcibly emotionally detached, at the same time.

so yeah. that whole *fwb* thing... not for me.

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