Monday, February 02, 2009

trying to close the book

One of my jobs for today was to go through my things and dig out everything that connects me to my ex-boyfriend, who I spent much of last year planning to move to San Diego to be with. After a series of events, I've determined that the only way for me to really get over the loss of what we had is to let go of all the things that put me back in the place to miss what could have been. I can't move on while I'm sleeping in his old hockey jerseys, or even knowing that they're in a box in my closet. I can't keep wearing his blue tank when all it does is make me think of how great he thought I looked in it.

2009.32


There are some things (admittedly) that I kind of want to keep (see aforementioned tank). When I asked him if he wanted his jerseys or letter jacket back, I asked if there was anything else he wanted, and he said no. To me I'm guessing that means gifts are not expected, but I feel a little weird keeping them since they are still things that remind me of our failure. There are also the things acquired while we were together, tickets to baseball games and theme parks, hotel keys, party beads, etc. And things that I'd purchased ahead of time to be given later, key covers for the keys to our first apartment and a Valentine's Day card for this year. What do I do with all of that?

This breakup has been drawn out for a long time on my end, but who knows how long ago he finished dealing with it. He'd told me that the reason he'd originally left all these clothes with me was so that i would continue to think of him while he was so far away, but now he isn't even asking why I don't want them anymore. It's not even a matter of not wanting them, but more like needing to let go of the dream, because waking up day after day to discover that it's not coming true is perpetual heartbreak.

With no signs of resolution on the horizon, it's time for me to finally stop mourning and move on. Eventually you've got to bury the corpse.

It still hurts, and I'm still amazed that it's over.

3 comments:

Sillydoggies said...

Love you and hate that you are hurting from this. Let me know if you want me to do anything for you.

Sameer Vasta said...

Letting go is important, and it often starts with a physical purge. Having just gone through a similar process, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Nell said...

I would send him the clothes back. Then you don't have to have the responsibility of throwing them out. Letters, cards, and things like that can just get tossed. New Year, new outlook. You can do it.

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